An Old Friend

I ran into an old friend today on campus.  This friend is my age, unlike most other friends I've made on campus since my return to Eastern.  I have to admit that while most of the time I praise God for saving me and wiping the slate clean, sometimes it is a good thing to be reminded of who I used to be.  I used to be an alcoholic. 

Seeing this old friend reminded me; all my past perceptions of myself were skewed.  Many of my friends and some of my loved ones got into drugs early on in high school.  I used to sneak and smoke cigarettes, and when my mom confronted me I said things like, "you should be thankful I don't do drugs like the other kids". 

It was not the fault of anyone but myself.  It hurts when you realize that you should have listened to your mom. Your dad. Your best friend. 

I remember the nights that I would sit alone, yet surrounded by people, with a bottle of Captain Morgan and a broken heart.  Low self esteem and multiple dysfunctional and/or abusive relationships had broken me.  I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted to be.  I was an addict too, just like many of my friends that were addicted to painkillers.  I gravitated toward people who wanted to forget, and there were many times I truly believe the devil came out of me.  I spit out hurtful words to people I loved, and didn't care about the consequences of my actions.

I found grace on a hilltop cemetery talking to my Nanny, who had already gone on to be with Jesus years before.  I told her I was ashamed, and then I told God.  He was my friend when no one else was.  He loved me unconditionally, unlike all the people who disappeared when I stopped partying and binge drinking. 

I often tell people about the experiences that I've had.  Most of the time, they don't believe me.  They don't see in me who I was, they see who I am.  I am so grateful for God's grace in letting me live to be the person I was meant to be.  What a wonderful old friend to have.

"If only you could see me yesterday, who I used to be before the change.  You'd see a broken heart, you'd see the battle scars.  Funny how words can't explain how good it feels to finally break the chains.  I'm not what I have done; I'm what I've overcome."  Fireflight - What I've Overcome

A Testimony to Divine Providence

Testimony can sometimes be a weak point for me.  God has provided me and my family with so much that it is truly overwhelming, and being the tenderhearted pile of mush I am, I often cry when I share with others God's blessings.  I sat in last night's evening service, anxious for the sharing of God's gifts and blessings.  I pondered what  I would say for several minutes, eager to share, and then, my opportunity passed as quickly as it came.  So, I will share with you what I had intended to share with my church family, with hope that they may come across this and know my story.

This year has been filled with trials and tribulations, both with work and school.  I'm not sure if everyone knows that God led me to my current job so that I may earn my degree.  This task, which has been long and daunting, is extremely important to me and my chosen path.  I am eager to prove to myself that the dark days I weathered helped me to get here, and also to have graduation pictures of myself taken and made into life size.  The last part isn't as important, but just as serious.

As time passed, I became like many others; I let how busy I was cloud the bigger picture.  I knew that I would have to work Sundays, so I committed to attending evening services each night to maintain my relationship with both the Lord and my church family.  Then, came a choice.  I made it without thinking. I agreed to meet with one of my class groups on Sunday nights at 6 p.m.  I justified this with the busy schedules of others, because I, like my mother and hers, always put the needs of others before mine.  As the weeks went on, I grew tired, weary and homesick, which I had never felt until then on my journey.

I woke up on a Friday morning, blinded by fatigue and on the verge of tears.  I prayed to my God.  I told him that I was tired and that I missed my church family.  I told him I needed a break; I told him that I needed time.  I cried on the way to work as I prayed, and barely composed myself before walking through the door.  The day went on, business as usual, until the evening.  My co-workers and I received an email concerning our store.  The message stated that we would be closed on Sundays, and that the store was closing early the following Monday for a big announcement.  Immediately, speculations began to fly about the future of our store and whether it would remain open, but I was frozen.  What I had prayed for was happening, just like that...I would get to be with my church family.  I would get to have a day off.  I worried, as usual, but the comfort I felt with an answered prayer was unmeasurable.

I went to church that morning to hear a message that was waiting for me.  A message about my Pastor's experiences at work, and a message about absence from church.  Most importantly, it was meant for me to be reminded that I am a sojourner in this world.  All my work here is to prepare me for my real home.  

That Monday night, it was announced that our store would close, and that we would be relocated.  I will most likely be working in Richmond now, which was a prayer I had prayed for months.  The power of God is utterly breathtaking.  His love leaves me awe struck.  We are all part of His plan.  When it seems as though you can't take another step, grab His hand. 

The Will

In a series of days that held the bluest skies I'd seen in a while, I found myself feeling pretty blue as well.  Sometimes, things just don't go my way.  Imagine that, right?  What happens to us when we get something in our heads?  It seems as though all reason falls victim to reckless abandon.  You want something in particular, and deeply and truly believe that it will be yours.  You imagine your life with it.  You entertain yourself and find great happiness imagining that you possess that one thing, that thing that will change your life and make everything beautiful and sunny.  It's a good thing, a great thing, a make everything okay thing...but wait, maybe it's not the best thing.  

Whoa!  

Where did that come from?  
What do you mean it's not the best??? 
I have to wait???  
You've got to be kidding...this is SO unfair!   
It wasn't until yesterday that I found the perspective I'd been lacking my entire life regarding this particular situation.  I was able to find calm and peace as I prayed to God...this is not what you're supposed to do right now, but by no means does that make it unreachable.  The time will come, especially if that's the direction you are truly meant to traverse.  A negative outlook can overshadow some of the most important things in your life.  Think about it; how many times in your life have you been able to look back and truly see that a specific event led you somewhere great and life changing?  Personally, there have been multiple times in my life that things seemed so terrible, and I felt that I would never overcome the obstacles placed before me.  Yet now, I look at those times and praise God.  That event shifted my path, my focus and my desire. I am here now, undeservedly blessed because my complacent axis was shifted.  So...timing is crucial.  It's God's will, not mine, that holds true and unrelenting.  My first instinct in this particular situation was absolutely correct.  For now, I will stay on track, and finish the task that God has put before me.  What lies at the end of this path, I don't know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will be even better than what I expect.  

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful.

Proverbs 16:20

Back to School

My version of "The Thinker"

I find myself sitting in the library at Eastern, in my last semester's favorite hiding spot, once again.  In my break between classes I took a detour to walk around and check everyone out.  I find that the only thing that has changed since I was a freshman in 2001 is me.  But hey, 10 years is quite a long time for life to take it's inevitable course.  Looking around, I momentarily wished that I could turn back time...get that "re-do" that everyone longs for.  Yet as that moment passed, I realized this is where I was always meant to be, scars and all.  As the sun shined on faces I passed, I could only dream of what God has planned for them, and for me.  The more understanding I have of myself, the farther away all the wrong I've done in my life seems.  I see these young faces and can feel my heart breaking. 

Will they choose the right path? 
Will they have regrets like me?
Will they give up like I did then?  If so, will they find their second chance? 
When they see their 28th birthday, will they look back and feel proud?

Back to school cool!

I've been through valleys, up hill and down, much like you have I'm sure.  Through the years we will all see loss, disappointment, contentment, pain and hopefully sheer happiness.  As the Lord lights the steps of my way I pray yours shine too.  I am living proof that God allows u-turns if you find you are going the wrong way.  With age comes understanding; there is more than one way.  I remain in awe of God's providence, especially when I can remember times that I thought my world was perfect, and times I thought it was ending.  Perspective is important to capturing joy, and holding tight to it even when it storms.