I ran into an old friend today on campus. This friend is my age, unlike most other friends I've made on campus since my return to Eastern. I have to admit that while most of the time I praise God for saving me and wiping the slate clean, sometimes it is a good thing to be reminded of who I used to be. I used to be an alcoholic.
Seeing this old friend reminded me; all my past perceptions of myself were skewed. Many of my friends and some of my loved ones got into drugs early on in high school. I used to sneak and smoke cigarettes, and when my mom confronted me I said things like, "you should be thankful I don't do drugs like the other kids".
It was not the fault of anyone but myself. It hurts when you realize that you should have listened to your mom. Your dad. Your best friend.
I remember the nights that I would sit alone, yet surrounded by people, with a bottle of Captain Morgan and a broken heart. Low self esteem and multiple dysfunctional and/or abusive relationships had broken me. I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted to be. I was an addict too, just like many of my friends that were addicted to painkillers. I gravitated toward people who wanted to forget, and there were many times I truly believe the devil came out of me. I spit out hurtful words to people I loved, and didn't care about the consequences of my actions.
I found grace on a hilltop cemetery talking to my Nanny, who had already gone on to be with Jesus years before. I told her I was ashamed, and then I told God. He was my friend when no one else was. He loved me unconditionally, unlike all the people who disappeared when I stopped partying and binge drinking.
I often tell people about the experiences that I've had. Most of the time, they don't believe me. They don't see in me who I was, they see who I am. I am so grateful for God's grace in letting me live to be the person I was meant to be. What a wonderful old friend to have.
"If only you could see me yesterday, who I used to be before the change. You'd see a broken heart, you'd see the battle scars. Funny how words can't explain how good it feels to finally break the chains. I'm not what I have done; I'm what I've overcome." Fireflight - What I've Overcome
